“GIRLS – You wouldn’t have been given these passions if they weren’t applicable in the KINGDOM.” – Esther Houston – Instagram
My husband and I sat down and had a heart-to-heart the other night. I’ve been feeling sucker punches lately; reminders of how hard it seems to have a dream and wanting to pursue it. Life is certainly not always kind, and I tend to take things harder than what I show. Frankly, it’s more convenient to blame everything on circumstance, hardship on situations. Seeing the bright side is like climbing a wall. Not my favorite exercise.
What is keeping me from dreaming? What is the harness that I’m not willing to unlatch from? What pulls me away from bright sides and the vision of the kingdom?
I know, right. I had a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago about the distraction it is to scroll through a feed and see how beautiful, ambitious, amazing some writers, moms, women’s lives are. I literally want to throw up my hands sometimes and say, “FINE! You and your wonderful-ness win. I cannot compete.” I sometimes obsessively pose a photograph just so I can post it. So I’ve stopped trying so dang hard. You can’t rob my joy, tiny squares.
It’s the greatest gift God has given me (other than my husband). I wouldn’t trade any of it for anything, and it is easily one of my favorite parts of life. But it isn’t my whole life. It isn’t my only passion. It’s hard to explain…but it’s similar to how marriage changes you. I am a wife to Evan, and he matters to me more than anyone. But he isn’t my whole world; I don’t devote every minute to tending to him, talking to him, holding his hand. It’s part of me like my fingers belong on my hand. Motherhood is similar. And just like my marriage, it points to the Lord. But I use it often as my excuse, my “get out of jail free card” from participating in the works of the Kingdom. I certainly don’t want to leave my boys behind. I want to bring them on this journey with me.
The cautious me. The one holding my hands up saying, “Now wait a minute, are you sure?” My defense mechanism is a resounding, WELL JUST WAIT NOW. Because failure or the fear of failure is a deafening symbol crashing in my mind. I am brave when it comes to certain things. More often than not, when it comes to loving, encouraging, and pushing other people, I am the best cheerleader. But I am not great at pushing myself, believing in what I can do.
The Lord didn’t give me passions just so I could sit on them and wait for someone to call on me. Nope. They have a place in the Kingdom. Even if that means using them in my own home, out of sight from the rest of the world. Even if it means rejection and failure at first. Even if it means an uphill trek to see the brightness on the horizon. Everything in me for Him; my face is turned towards a King whose light shines upon me. And He’s saying, “Go girl. Take it to the world.”