I am tired. Physically, spiritually, emotionally.
Do you ever feel like there is too much to do, and you have no idea where to begin? I feel that. Heavy and annoying on my heart. So many things, ideas, dreams, and goals that I can not seem to accomplish simply because I don’t want to start. I don’t know where to begin.
Since Rosie was born, I feel stuck here. This happens to me after pregnancy, so I am not surprised. But the exhaustion from being all and doing all feels like the final hurdle in the fourth trimester of this pregnancy. If the pregnancy itself doesn’t cause me pain, this last part of having a baby surely will.
Can you tell I’m tired? I can hear it in my own written voice: the cynicism, the already-given-up-before-beginning. I get catty when I’m tired. In fact, I relish in the quick attitude I get in my exhaustion. It’s easier to get mad, to be frustrated, and be tired. I like easy. I like the comfort of not having to move forward and sinking deeper into a spot that feels familiar.
And while I sit, I don’t begin. I reluctantly look at the things I want to accomplish and think, “Nah, not today. I can’t.” And like each and every one of my kids thus far, I feel the frustration rise as I claim the “can’ts” in my life. How could I, when every odd seems to be against me?
I may be exhausted, but I am alive. I may want to give up before I’ve even begun, but Lord! He hasn’t given up on me yet, and I’m sure He would have if He wasn’t such a kind and gracious Father. God has never washed His hands of me. He is a constant, an extended hand to lift me from miry clay.
I don’t always know where to start. Starting feels like the hardest part of anything, and today it feels like I’m pulling my feet from molasses. I can’t always get out. I can’t always move forward. I can’t always do and be what I think I need to, and I think that’s where the catch is. I cannot. However, He can.
Of one thing I am certain on this day and throughout the past few months: God has called me to pray like I’m in a war. I have started nothing else but this. I can’t do much else in these days of exhaustion and fourth trimester, but getting on my knees with the Lord is easy. It feels like work that gives me direction, and today, I need that.
And yet He can. And yet.