Kneeling, Wondering, Deserving

Friday afternoon, I knelt on my bathroom floor, hands on the bathtub, praying. You know when things happen…and they happen in all the ways you wouldn’t prefer? Friday was that day.

I was sick for a few days prior to that afternoon, I hadn’t slept a whole lot, and I hadn’t had much of a conversation with my husband that week. But he had called me that day to let me know that his boss had just informed him he would probably be losing his job in the next few weeks.

Instantly, I went through every scenario in my head. Every bad scenario. The worst of the worst. Before I knew it, I was convincing myself that we could live off of the smallest amount of food we could afford. We could sell some furniture. We could be hermits in our home, using the electricity only when necessary, forgetting about the air conditioner, and just being minimalist, frugal people. I regretted every dollar I spent in the last few weeks, every tiny bit that was “luxuriously” spent on little things like a big red ball for my son, a little drink from Starbucks for myself, or the meal we decided to go out and enjoy at a restaurant rather than at home.

You know when things happen in all the ways that seem to be the wrong ways? I thought that Friday was that day. I was certain that the week leading up to it was just a monstrosity of unfortunate events. A week full of moments to be discouraged, upset, and down-trodden. I was convinced that although this was a moment to show my brave face, I could not muster it. I was on my knees, hiding from my kids, crying on the bathroom floor, wondering, Jesus what did we do to deserve this?

I don’t know what’s coming for us. I don’t know much of anything, but when have I ever? And it occurs to me often, since the other day, that this isn’t a burden. This isn’t a problem. What did we do to deserve this? Nothing. But why not us? And we certainly wouldn’t want it for anyone else, so why not us?

These moments, when the world around us seems to be shaking and shifting, crumbling and falling, are catalytic times that will most likely change the course of our life. Maybe not drastically, maybe only subtly. This moment when we don’t have a clue is the perfect moment to cling to what we do know. Grace has carried me this far. Grace has not left me. Grace will continue to sustain me. The Lord grants me a breath every moment that I live, not the other way around. Why not us?

Consider what God has done:
Who can straighten
    what he has made crooked?
When times are good, be happy;
    but when times are bad, consider this:
God has made the one
    as well as the other.
Therefore, no one can discover
    anything about their future.
Ecclesiastes 7:13-14