Twenty-four

Two days from now, I’ll be 24. I love birthdays, I love celebrating other people’s’ birthdays. But this year…whoosh.

This year I am 24, pregnant on my birthday (again, for the third time), two kids in tow, not even married four years, starting a small business, feeling kind of crazy. Don’t get me wrong, I am happier than I’ve ever been. But I’m also more exhausted than I’ve ever been. We’ve got crazy stuff going on, although it is good, grace-filled crazy. Being a mom on top of everything else is like conducting an orchestra. I don’t even know what that’s like, but that’s exactly the point.Β I have no idea what motherhood is supposed to look like.

You want to know the truth? This mothering two boys and being pregnant thing is really not easy. I spend a great deal of time sitting. We don’t go many places because I’m tired. And the park? Too much outdoor-ness for my senses right now. My toddler is going through a defiant stage of ignoring me and talkingΒ back. My one-year-old is just loud in general, which for my slightly introvert personality, drives me crazy. I don’t wash my hands often. I hate making dinner most nights. And when the boys nap, I watch TV, because today, that’s what motherhood looks like for me.

Turning 24 is just an aside to what’s going on in our life. Getting older doesn’t scare me. Becoming obsolete does, if I’m being honest. But I know that time isn’t really a friend in this life, so I’m more worried about being here, being present, even if it means I’m sitting on the couch, watching my boys play.

I don’t know how I’m going to do it with three little ones in six months. Maybe things will be less insane by then (which is highly unlikely), or maybe I’ll be a walking coffee-zombie. But by then, I’ll be 24, married for four years, not pregnant (oh, praise the Lord), with three kids in tow. That will be us. Crazy. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. Not for a moment.

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