Guilt, Shame, & My New Name

I have a long list of complaints. I have a list of wishes and wants. I have a list of pleas.

I’ve spent the first few weeks of 2016 taking care of me. Chopping my hair off, painting my fingernails, buying a new pair of jeans, flossing my teeth daily, putting make up on and intentionally taking days to stay in my pajamas.

Free of all her guilt and rid of all her shame
And known by her true name and it’s why I sing.

Can I be real? Most times I feel guilty and a lot of shame for wanting to take care of myself. Everyone comes first, and it is the great downfall of transitioning to full-fledged motherhood. At first I relish in it. I feel proud. I sacrifice my whole world for my people! But it is the leading cause of thoughts like, “I don’t deserve to buy myself new jeans.”

But look, I’m not here to write about motherhood shame or how I want to be the best me of 2016, healthier and happier. I’m here for this: …known by her true name.

It’s true what I’ve read:  I feel like I’m too much or too little, not enough or more than enough. I never feel sure of who I am because I’m certain that being too confident in my faith is too much for others to listen to. I feel unworthy of a pair of jeans because I want to seem sacrificial and ultimately loving of my children. And I have spent a fair bit of time wrestling with this, trying to find where to fit myself in this world, how to feel sure.

But like a worn and tattered coat, I’m throwing it off my shoulders and to the ground.

I am free of all guilt. Rid of all my shame.

Known by my true name.

It’s like a lightbulb fires up above my head and the scene before me unfolds. The rolling perfection of His plan. I don’t see any details, but, like it matters. I am seen. Known. My name is repeated on His lips, and my God knows my name. He leads me by still waters. He guides me in deep valleys. He lifts me to mountaintops. He coaxes me to climb hills.

I am known by my true name. He knows me.

And I will be real:  I want to worship the King I love real loud. I listen to the song “Ever Be” by Bethel, and I nearly weep every time. Because it’s all I want every day, every opportunity:  Your praise will ever be on my lips.

Get loud. Don’t shrink away from what you know of yourself. He knows your name. He loves your name. He loves to see you. Free of guilt. Rid of all shame. Known by your true name.

Published by Janelle Delagrange

Wife to a graphic designer, mom to three young boys, and writer of the soul.

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