Believe it or not, I was always quiet in school. I followed rules really well, and the thought of getting in trouble gave me anxiety. Going through the dreaded puberty made me somewhat uncomfortable in my own skin, and I didn’t really step into myself until I was a junior in high school. I remember the first day of that year vividly because I made choices throughout the day with the voice of the Lord in my mind. I talked to people I normally would’ve ignored, I smiled, and I tried to be myself. Not someone that would be popular, liked, or even noticed. Just me.
I would be lying if I said that was how I lived today. It’s easier to blame motherhood, stay-home-momhood, my desire to spend only 30 min without being touched by sticky fingers or being asked a million questions I literally do not have the answers to. I still love rules. A lot. And the thought of disregarding rules makes my skin crawl.
What’s also true, and also something I have avoided admitting, is how I have silenced myself. I took a webinar by Emily P. Freeman the other night on how to write book proposals, and my first thought was, “I do not belong here! Nothing I have to say is new or hasn’t already been said!” But she silenced those thoughts immediately by saying, “Just because someone else has said it doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed. You are welcome. You have work to do! The world needs you to come alive!”
So I am here. And I decided to step out and go with it. I’m going to write a book in the days to come. Not because what I have to say is monumental, or because my view is the best. But because of Christ in me. I read this morning in Philippians 3, the beginning of verse 8 that says, “What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord…” Christ has a work to complete in me, and I’ve known for a while that work included writing. It has always been a hobby, never a career, or a job. And I have struggled with that. I always said that the day I considered writing for money would be the day it wouldn’t matter anymore.
It isn’t that I consider the writing I do a loss compared to Christ. It’s that I consider anything that I do alone a loss compared to what Christ does. Not I, but Christ.
I want to step into myself, the most free version of myself I can be. Allowed to write books upon books, not for my glory, but for God’s glory. Because He gives words life. Because I consider all else a loss compared to His righteousness.