Routines and Chaos

My husband, Evan, tends to have a lot more patience than I do when it comes to our kids. Maybe it’s because he works during the day while I spend all my time corralling their tempers and squeals of happiness. Or maybe it’s just because my patience isn’t as thick as his. Regardless, Evan reels me in when I am impatient,  which, in every case, is all the time.

While in New York last week, we spent some time just listening to God. For someone like me, that feels so difficult. Impatient me. I put words in His mouth because I tend to pray fervently without taking a breath.

I don’t lean into Him as much as I should. I often lean on my own understanding, on Evan, on others who just can’t sustain my needs. God projects this visual in my mind: sitting next to each other, me leaning close, letting His arms envelope me. Kind of like the way I lean on my husband’s chest. Except with God, He can wrap me up fully, give me every reminder I need, and swarm me with real peace. Peace that lasts.

Returning from a week away from my boys has brought a lot of frustrations. We were kind of spoiled this past week by being allowed to be less needed. And returning to it is not easy. We fight. I yell. The rhythm of our routine feels foreign, so I’m trying to rest knowing it’ll be fine. Which is like trying to throw a cat into water. Not pretty.

And then God. He knows me, thankfully. He gave me that visual again, the leaning into Him, allowing Him to really be the burden-carrier. But He took it further: Don’t just rest in Me. Fall into Me. Give up your need to be the bearer of duty and importance. Lean so much that you can’t help but be fully encompassed by grace because there is no room or opportunity for you to grab onto anything else. Fall fully. Because I can make you float and fly. 

So routines are hard to find. Feeling like I’m in a chaotic mess is normal. But I can fall into Him because He is willing to make me fly. He is willing to give me so much grace that I’m drowning in it. And isn’t that the greatest way to live? Knowing alone, I have nothing together. And with Him, everything falls into place.