Current status: My eye has been twitching for three days.
I’m a writer who doesn’t sugar coat it. Blogging without vulnerability doesn’t feel comfortable for me, which ironically would make others feel incredibly uncomfortable. If I’m going to write from my perspective for the benefit of others, I need to be real.
Remember when I wrote about yoga a few times? I love yoga. I love feeling strong. But guess what! I haven’t been doing yoga regularly for about a month and a half. Somewhere between my last post about it and now, life has catapulted forward, and I am exhausted by 8 PM.
Yesterday, I told Evan that I just needed another person. I was 100% overwhelmed. How am I supposed to write for my blog, write for a magazine, copy write, lead small groups and do all the things while also making dinner, cleaning my house, grocery shopping? He promptly reminded me, “I’m another person,” and I remembered I’m just one person. I don’t have to do everything.
I told my women yesterday: It’s empowering to tell each other it’s okay to be a mess. It’ll be fine. Give yourself a minute. Be a mess, and let it be, and then move forward. God called us good, God redeemed us from our sin, God gives us second chances. My eye has been twitching for three days because I am just tired. My hands have been busy for a long time, and it’s catching up to me. I feel like I’m a mess. I feel like I need a few days to just sleep and watch The Office without interruption.
I’ve been praying diligently through this season. I read in a book earlier this summer how too many yes’s can lead to a burnout. And I am fearful of it. I have been looking around waiting for someone to pull me aside and say, Hey girl, cool it for a minute. You have too many things, because I’m scared that this season is wrong. That I’m not fit for this. I’m also scared that someone is going to finally call me out and say, Hey, nope. You are not qualified. We’re not sure how you got here, but this is not your place. I am fearful that I will be found out for not being the woman people actually think I am.
So, in my praying, I’m just confronting it. I am overwhelmed because I feel under-qualified, so Lord, do a work in me. You tell me that I am called, given a purpose, and I am an essential part of the Church. You tell me that You see me for what I really am, and You think I am fit for this. You affirm me by placing Your Son’s blood on my mistakes. You give me grace.
Here are my fears, Lord, and I need You to remind me of truth.
I’m reading in Joshua right now, and I never thought I would say I loved the book, but man, I love it. Reading how Joshua’s obedience to God results in victory makes me feel powerful. It says in 11:15, As the Lord commanded his servant Moses, so Moses commanded Joshua, and Joshua did it; he left nothing undone of all that the Lord commanded Moses. I can’t imagine what it must have felt like to follow up a man like Moses. God did so much through the man that led to Isreal’s freedom from Egypt. In Joshua’s obedience, God defeated thirty-one kings that tried to win against Isreal. Every day when I read more and more, the thought continually returns to me: What will God do in my obedience?
My obedience right now looks like saying yes to a lot of things I would’ve said no to in the past. Going from a time in my life where I did not do much of anything, to one where my husband and I have to sit and plan out our weeks feels hard. The fear of failing threatens to swallow me up. But I am not alone. I am just one person. I can do what I can do, and I can ask others to do for me what I cannot do for myself or others.
In my obedience, God can work. There isn’t a chance of being found out when it comes to You, Lord. You already know me. You already know that You make me able. May I do only as you command, obey when You ask, and live with palms that are open. Keep teaching me. May I rest hard to work hard, and may I be forced to say no when I need to say no. Let me leave nothing undone of all that You command me.