Hi, I’m Janelle, and I don’t want to do this.
That’s only partly true. I do want to write. I’ve missed writing in this context, and I love just letting words weave together like a garment stitched with care. The truth is, I don’t want to do what I know I should.
(Welcome to life, Janelle.)
I am tired.
It’s part of me to be this way. Some people are born with the get-up-and-go, motivated and driven, but I am not always like that. I need to be reminded that whatever is happening is worth happening and not a response to anything I lack or what I’m worth.
As the days, months, and years pass, I’m growing more and more aware of how important it is to be who I am and be God’s girl. I get to do a lot, and I get to be more than I dreamed, yet it’s never all about me. That feels like a tug of war between my soul and my gut, and I can’t always swing past it without needing a break or two.
I know I’m at war with the perception I want other people to have and the reality of what God has called me to.
Heads up: Jesus tells us this isn’t an easy ride. This is not a free pass to heaven where we are cheered on every step of the way. Some of the most remarkable women I admire have endured a lot of crap flung in their face, and if I could hide from anything, it would be that.
Faith is not a box. It is not a tidy gift. It cannot be bound by our standards, and man, if that doesn’t screw with everyone’s Americanized beliefs then I don’t know what will. A thought has been reverberating through my brain over the year, and it’s this: Jesus is everything. And if He isn’t? It will show. In more ways than one. It will show in the words that come out of my mouth, the motivation behind my social media posts, the way I defend myself before others, the way I interact in discourse, the way I love my neighbor, the way I see the world, and the way my heart responds to a continually loving God.
When He isn’t everything, we’ll have multiple thrones in our midst filled with menial things and unsatisfying embellishments. We’ll be an embarrassing shadow of the love of Christ, and you best believe the world will know it.
I think they already do.
It’s no wonder I quit writing. It’s no wonder I stopped being a loud voice. All the voices I kept hearing were saying things that sounded a lot less like love and a lot more like condemnation.
Man if I could count the times I’ve thought it and said it. But God! I am a quitter, and He is not! It’s like being on a team where the coach keeps saying, “Try again! Get back up! Don’t you quit! You’ve got it in you!” He believes in me more than I do, and I thank Him for it.
I don’t want to, but here we go. One day at a time, as we mold and grow like clay in the potter’s hand, we become exactly as He envisioned. As He envisioned. I couldn’t imagine this for a moment. Yet, He already did.