Before I knew what I was doing, I was being who I was. There’s a lot less fear when you are unaware of the effects of living a free life. Not that there are ramifications, but when you are newly free, you aren’t easily jaded by the circumstances you find yourself in.
As time goes on, the fear of being seen and judged is heavy and uncomfortable. I don’t want it from anyone. I want to walk the way I’m supposed to, but fear gets stuck at the bottom of my shoes, slowing me down, reminding me of what I think about before I fall asleep some nights.
The devil is not stingy when it comes to us. He knows what we would be capable of if we jumped and ran, so he dishes out fear in multilayered pieces. He snakes in the cracks and plants seeds that grow into thick weeds. He will give us the best he’s got because it’s all he has. And isn’t it a shame that we let him win? Especially when we can look to our right and see a Man with blood-stained hair and holes in the palms of his hands. That Man has more power in his right pocket than the devil has in his whole being, but for some reason, we crumble under the weight of the power of a crumbly being.
I’m working on it. I’m not here to say I have fear in its place and that freedom is every bit of how I walk with Jesus everyday. I do know Whose I am and who I am, but there are many days between here and there when I don’t know where to turn to be rescued from fear.
I’ve seen what believers do to each other when they fail. I’ve seen the condescending words trickle from their mouth to unbelievers. I’ve heard it in my own mind and heart. This soul is scared to death of what the Church will do to her if she ever speaks her mind. I would rather cozy up with fear. So I do.
Hallelujah that the Lord knows my innermost being. Praises escape me when I recognize that I am not in a prison, that I am not bound to fear, that I am made right with a King who loves His girl. I may toss and turn in the night and cling to what I want to throw past me, but He is rooting for me. I’ve already won because I’ve got Him. Yet now we move, into the space where we can make brave movements towards a God who is always moving towards us.
I see You. I’m running.
JANELLE DELAGRANGE 