Everything to Gain

As a deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
These things I remember as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgivings
among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Psalm 42:1-5

Frustration is very real for me. I have these conversations with God that go something like:  “Why would you do that? I’m just…You are so unfair. This isn’t fair.” My disposition changes. My posture  becomes rigid, cold. I turn away, yet He stands so near. There is never a moment in my time when He has left my side.

I am thirsty.

Some nights I can’t fall asleep, for I am filled with lists, worries, or plans. I cling to what is expected of me, because what will anyone think if I don’t fit the mold of “regular”? I invest my time and money into things that are so worthless in the end. Things that eat me up rather than feed me.

Why are you downcast? Why so disturbed? Why worrisome, tired, desperate? Why?

I am thirsty.

The fear of losing, failing, and making a fool of myself makes my skin crawl. Nothing to gain. But in Christ, I have everything to gain.

Why would You do that? Because I love you. Because I long for you. Because I have something great for you.

Nothing is lost in God. Nothing is lost to God. As a deer pants for water, so my soul, my wandering soul, longs for You.

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers have swept over me.
By day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me–
a prayer to the God of my life.
Psalm 42:7-8

Published by Janelle Delagrange

Wife to a graphic designer, mom to three young boys, and writer of the soul.

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