When I was eleven, I stole one of my brother’s Bibles. I flipped through the pages and picked out random Bible verses, wrote them out on pieces of paper, and taped them to the wall. I wasn’t searching for anything in particular. To this day, I have no idea what my motive was behind it. I do know that the Bible verses held no real meaning for me. But it made me feel happy, and when you’re eleven, happiness is the only thing that matters.
I found Jesus when I was twelve years old. I remember the moment that I “came to the altar” and prayed a prayer. I remember everything. The feeling of purpose that instantly arrived into my soul. The smile that spread wide across my face. The girl I hugged in thanks for inviting me to join her in prayer. The joy that I felt. The hope felt infinite. The “high”, I remember, was greater than anything I’d ever felt in my life. I didn’t know where I would go from there, what it really meant for my life, but I knew that it was exactly what I needed.
All through high school, I longed to grow deeper into this faith that I had found. I wanted to study scripture, dive into the lives of the prophets, and find a calling. Maybe a missionary? Maybe a writer? I was fearless. I felt invincible. I wasn’t scared. And I wanted to see the world.
But I never did. I got married two years after high school. I had two babies in two years. I looked back on high school and thought, “That must’ve been the prime of my faith.” And how ridiculous is that?
You do not support the root, but the root supports you. Romans 11:18b
I really enjoy being a wife to my husband. He is my teammate, and he believes in my dreams just as much as I believe in his.
I really enjoy being a mom to my boys. Not only do they breathe life & joy into me daily, they also challenge me to live more in the depths of Jesus.
And in these two roles, I feed others. I feed, feed, feed and forget to feed myself. And I find myself thinking, “Where did she go? Where’s that girl with the fire in her bones?”
Finding Jesus eleven years ago was and always will be the greatest thing to happen to me in this life. Things change. They always do. My plans for the future when I was eighteen did not include all that my life is right now. But…this is better. And looking back, the years before are no comparison to the years ahead or the moments right now. It is convenient to lose myself as a wife, as a mom, and consider “the years of my youth” as my “prime”. But they are not! I am still called, still fed by the same roots that are in Jesus. And I have every chance and opportunity to feed others, to reach women & to be an ambassador for His Great Name, even if it means doing it from my couch with little kids clinging to me.
She’s still here. There’s still fire in my bones.