Yesterday afternoon, I came across my journal from 2014-2015. I had been walking around, doing laundry, with my youngest in tow. He learned to walk recently, so he follows me around almost all the time, begging for me to hold him, or just to play. He found my journal and pulled it off the shelf and threw it to the side. I picked it up and slowly began to flip through the pages.
I don’t journal to form clear thoughts or tell stories. It’s how I pray 95% of the time, how I process what I’m reading in the Bible, how I address all of my troubles and fears. God meets me there.
I came across a day where I felt heavy with worry and fear. I was very early on in my pregnancy with Finn, Evan had just lost his job in the months prior, my second son, Asa, wasn’t sleeping through the night well as a 10 month old. I listed all of my fears in that moment.
I was reading through it while Finn crawled across my lap, stood up, and patted my shoulder. I looked around at my bedroom, covered with sheets to wash, blankets to fold, clothes to sort. I closed my eyes and breathed in the sacred goodness of this.
Sometimes looking back in the past makes me feel squeamish. I think of moments where I am appalled at my behavior, and my stomach sinks nearly to my feet. I think of my naivety, my lack of wisdom, my so-called knowledge. Sometimes the embarrassment of it is too much.
But that isn’t why I journal. Granted, journals from my high school/teen years are rough. They are sappy, dramatic, dripping with silly worries and shallow thoughts. There’s some good stuff too. But also highly embarrassing.
In that moment yesterday, He reminded me of His faithfulness to me. Every single fear or worry I listed in my journal on that day nearly two years ago has been resolved or vanquished. Every single one. I used to pray constantly that I would be able to nurse my youngest when he was born, because I never got a chance to really do that for my other two. And I did it, for a whole year. I prayed that we would be provided for, even if it seemed absolutely impossible. And we have been, every single day. I prayed I would have enough patience, love, and perseverance to mother my second son, even if he never slept a night in his life. And I have been able, even after all this time. I prayed that I would depend on the Lord, because my husband’s job was not a steady, reliable thing. And we have.
I’m not a shining example of faith, or an example of God answering all of my prayers. It isn’t that He gave me everything I wanted. It isn’t that at all. It is that He is everything I have ever needed, and reading my own words proved that to me.
He gave me patience, love, and understanding to be a mom to my son.
He gave us every crumb of food and penny and dime that we needed to pay bills and feed our children.
He gave me the perseverance in the hard days to nurse my third son for far longer than I dreamed I could.
He gave me a vision for His provision when the future looked so unsteady, unsure, and hazy.
He gave me everything I ever needed to vanquish fears, to shatter doubts, and to surpass understanding.
I remember a lot of the times in between then and now, all of my tantrums, snowballing fears, and doubts. I am too much of a human to be perfect. But that’s proof that He doesn’t need anything from you or me. He doesn’t need us to never worry or never doubt or never be terrified in order to be good, sovereign, and holy. He just wants us to trust Him, believe Him when He says He will fulfill His promises.
The days are long. Your faith will be tested against the roughest waters, and you will want to give up. This is not worth it, you will think. But I’m here to say it is. Looking back, He has never failed me. And it has been so long! So many days, good, bad, ugly! He has never stopped being my Daddy, my sovereign King, my Provider, my Sustainer.
He will not fail you. He has not failed me. He doesn’t promise a perfect, easy road. But the future is bright. Eternity is waiting. Believe that. Trust Him.