Be not fearful, but believing.
Believing. What is keeping me from believing?
In situations of fear or pain, I find it’s easier if I write about it. Not everything that is painful is worth sharing, mind you, but I think it’s vulnerability and transparency in our pain that shields us from falling farther from Jesus.
Before Asa was born, I was filled with fear. A lot of fear. I had suffered an ectopic pregnancy a month before I became pregnant again, and seeing a positive pregnancy test didn’t exactly bring about tears of joy. Fear crippled me for nine months. I was a slave to these thoughts that consumed me, fears that I would lose this baby, that he would arrive imperfect, that I would never quite be able to move forward after losing a child. So I tried to write about it, and I tried to move forward, but I couldn’t. I dwelled on this loss that I suffered, on this pain that I felt, and I couldn’t push forward into the freedom God wanted from me. I willingly held myself captive to my fears.
Mothering after losing a baby. That’s what has kept me from believing. Even after Asa came into our world, I was scared. Asa is nothing like his brother. I butt heads with this little five month old daily, and he doesn’t do things the way I would prefer. He is difficult, trying, and stubborn. He knows what he likes, and he doesn’t prefer anybody else in his world but me & his dad. He is social, interactive, and has quite the personality for such a little babe. He is so precious to me. He is a miracle. I butt heads with him, but he steals my heart at every moment that I get to love on him. He isn’t a replacement for what we lost. He is a whole new, beautiful little gift.
Living in fear is debilitating. My growth in the Lord was slim to none. I was “happy” living in fear because comfort, sometimes, is what we call home, and that’s what my fear was for me. Jesus doesn’t want that for me. He doesn’t want a soul that serves another master. He doesn’t want a partial love from His creation. I am the apple of His eye, and He adores me! He wants my joy to be made complete in Him. He wants to take my fear and nail it down. He wants it! How could I not let it go? How could I not long for freedom?
Be not fearful, but believing. You are God’s joy. You are God’s love. He adores you, hopes for you, loves you, treasures you. Fear is only a wall between imprisonment and freedom. Why should we live in a state of captivity when He offers us the joy of peace and grace, coated with mercy and love? Let Him go before you. He wants to be the sacrifice that frees you from ever having to feel bondage.