You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit–fruit that will last.
About three years ago, I told my husband that God had revealed some truth to me about the future for us. I knew that someday, my husband (a graphic designer) would be doing freelance full-time. I delivered the truth to him, challenged him to recognize that desire that he felt seemed just plain crazy, and prayed that we would be able to walk out on the water whenever that time came. Over the past month, due to circumstances out of our control, we’ve had to consider this option more & more often.
We hesitate. Freelance graphic design is not something that provides us with a paycheck every two weeks, or a concrete idea of what every day or week will look like. Starting a small business requires a little bit of knowledge, some money, and time. Doing this requires a great amount of faith & stepping out of the boat.
This past Friday was the beginning of this new reality for us. My husband lost his job, and we were forced into a territory that is not well-lit, completely foreign, and scary. I cried a lot. We prayed a lot. I looked at my little boys and prayed over their sweet souls that God in all of His matchless glory would come through for us in some way, if not for us, for them. This has rocked my pride. I don’t want to share this information with the whole world because I want to solve this on my own. I want a solution before I go asking for help. I want to be in control before I reveal my heart. But frankly, we do not have any of this together. We have a dream, a vision, and a limitless God.
And lo and behold, God has come through for us.
We walked into church on Sunday morning a little bit defeated (at least me). I felt unwilling to worship, to come together with people we love, and to let go of this frustration my heart was grasping tightly. My flesh wants to go into hiding. I’d rather shut the door and sit in the dark for a while so I can collect my scattered thoughts. But I was forced into the light when the sermon was on taking risks & stepping out of the boat and walking on the water. Specifically, following the visions that are risky and counting on God (whose promises never fail) to come through. Tears were near the surface as our mighty God spoke to our weary souls, reminding us of how His ability to know us & to see us brings to life the impossible. How when we dream alongside our Father, He dreams even bigger.
This week begins with stepping out of this rickety boat and following Jesus. We’ve tried to do this in other areas of life, but never in such a grand way as this. We are depending 100% on God to come through for us. For God to manifest His promises in our life and for us to choose to believe them. Three years ago, He was gracious enough to let me see a tiny glimpse into His plan, and how glorious it is to see firsthand the promises He gave us really being fulfilled. The terror is real. The doubt is loud some moments. But as the waves crash all around us, I have never felt more peace. I have never known such a great warmth of joy in my soul as we are held by our Father.
We are abiding this week. We are letting our Papa be real to us & show us the parts of us that need to be pruned so that our work can be truly & wholly for His glory. It is not easy. It is not comfortable. Sometimes I want to run back to the place where I had a clue of what was to come. But this place, despite the unfamiliarity of it, is radiating a constant reminder: Do you see how I have met your needs? Do you see how I have heard your prayer? Do you see how I long to bring your true desires to the surface in order to make you better for Me? Do you see how great this will be? Do you see?
I see You, Papa. I see how You are coming through for us.