It’s shocking when the first month of your newborn baby’s life is over. It is a hard season, one that feels eternal, but is so short. And here we have a 6 week old who sleeps better than my older two ever did and nestled right into our life as though he’s always been here. He came into this world slower than I was expecting, a labor that lasted longer than any other I’ve had. But he was so perfect. And fat. 8 lb 14 oz of rolls and cheeks. Our Finn.
I’ve shared sporadically over the last 6 weeks how crazy and hard and challenging it is to have three kids all so young. I’ve avoided writing because it takes time to let hormones regulate (thus, my emotions), and I didn’t know if I could trust myself to be realistic and not overly dramatic about this whole new life. But the Lord is good and gracious, and that’s something a mom fresh from birth may forget in the middle of the night when the floppy little being called a baby cries for an unknown reason. That’s something I forget. The Lord is good and gracious still. And seasons are seasons, and just when I thought it wouldn’t get easier, it did. I thought I might never be able to make dinner again (which wouldn’t be so bad), but I’ve impressed myself with my ability to multitask. I thought I might never sleep like a normal human, but this kid is gracious enough to sleep like an angel at night (let me go knock on all the wood on our house that I didn’t just jinx that). And I thought, worst of all, that I would never get over this looming guilt I felt that I couldn’t be there for my oldest boys, who so obviously wanted to be held in those early days. But I did. And I held them eventually and reminded them that my love is equal among them all and wider than any ocean.
The Lord is gracious, and boy is he good.
I remember the week I found out we were having Finn, and I remember thinking there was no way that I could be a mom of three, that I would be able to adjust. I felt insane, that we were just stupid and crazy, and I was surely going to regret this.
But I am also reminded of two years ago, when after an ultrasound, my doctor had to sit there and tell me there was nothing there. That I was bleeding, and that the baby was gone. I remember smiling at him because I was sure I could get past this, only to lie on the couch later that night sobbing because I was grieving a loss I couldn’t explain.
The Lord is gracious and good. And in this, in our baby Finn, he is good.
We adjust and adapt to changes because God so equips us. And thinking back to moments in my life when I was sure the world was caving or that I just couldn’t be what I was called to…guys, God is gracious. And good. This month was hard. Adjusting was hard. But I wouldn’t trade the insanity of it for anything, knowing that this is all reserved for us. This little boy was made for us and our family, and I get to love him fiercely. That is good. That is gracious.
We’re a party of five. And the thought of being a mom of boys? So daunting. But seeing them all arrive into our life and weaving us closer together…I can’t wait to see what is coming for us. I can’t wait to see where the Lord, in all of his good and gracious ways, will take each of these boys. Things are noisy and covered in dirt and other weird things around here. But it is perfect and glorious and rich in grace. I love this and all of its mess.