I’m not sure why time has to be such a jerk sometimes…but this week I get to celebrate my oldest son, who is turning four. I can’t believe it! Four years of being a mom, and easily the best four years of my life. Loving and learning with him has changed everything.
We’re also entering into the realm of preschool and schedules and independence, all while my youngest is also weaning from nursing. In the past, I haven’t been one to mourn the changes in my boys. I love to watch them change and adapt. But this mixture of growth has left me feeling anxious. I never thought I would say I missed the dependence these sweet ones have on me, but today, I do.
There isn’t a perfectly laid out way to be a mom, and I think that’s what I love about it the most. What I do for my boys may not work for someone else, and that is just fine. There have been times that I feel bad for my four year old, who has had to endure the trial and error of my ways, because both he and I started on this journey as newbies. I’ve changed, and I continue to change. I get better, some areas I still struggle, other areas I just plain dislike (potty training, anyone). And although motherhood is something I continue to grow in and work on, it’s something that I get to do between me, God, and my boys. Not what that mom and her kids are doing. Me and God. He makes it holy work.
It’s not easy to remember, when things seem to hit the metaphorical fan. Friday night I locked myself in my bedroom so I could calm down, regroup, and remember how good God is. People don’t see the yelling that happens sometimes. People don’t see the tears. People don’t hear the pleas for help I’m bestowing to my God, because frankly, I’m embarrassed. But when things do hit the stinkin’ fan, know that I have been there. And some days, I am right there with you.
I love my boys. I love them fiercely and deeply and sometimes more than anything else. What makes a great mom, I think, is a woman who tries to love our Creator more than the people He created. That’s what I’m aiming for. He makes me whole and complete, and He collects my crap after it has flown off the fan blades. And it’s because of Him that I can love these boys so well. Not because I am great at it, but because He is great despite me.
Chin up, mommas. I am there with you. Watching our kids grow up is hard and sometimes upsetting. I miss the smell of sweet, newborn baby fuzz and all the little noises they make. But these humans just get better with time. Love them well. And love your Creator more. He makes it easier.
Top Photo by Josh Hoering
Content Photo by Emily Richardson