Be on the lookout! Tomorrow I’ll be giving away a set of Find Wondrous Things Bible tabs. Come back here to enter!
Right after my failed attempts at college, I took a great deal of time looking inwardly. Who am I? What do I want to do with my life? What does God want? It’s a difficult experience when everyone you ever knew in high school goes to college, and you aren’t one of them.
I tried to mentor someone, but I was so interested in my own life that I let that relationship fall to the wayside. I tried to work hard at my job, but I was pretty interested in my boyfriend, so I only worked hard enough. Even years into motherhood, I tried to give of myself in a lot of ways, but I almost always felt like I was withholding. And in most, if not all of those cases, I was.
You could say my excuse is pregnancy, babies, being young, not knowing who I was just yet. I will gladly wear those badges on my arm, because they all played a part in my foggy early twenties.
Where I wanted to be great, I didn’t want to fail. So I never jumped. I never tried. I declined invitations to friendships without saying “no” outright. I avoided Bible studies, in-depth discussions, or being friendly with my sisters in Christ. I wallowed in fear that I would never jump. I looked back on my past mistakes and felt the heat of embarrassment rise from the pit of my stomach. I was a naive girl, even a few years ago. I didn’t see the whole picture, the one that I was actually a part of.
I see you. I know what it is like to be in the fog of motherhood and think, so, this is it. The feeling of wanting to be away from my toddlers for only an hour a day was real, and some days I just didn’t want this. I wanted to have the freedom of being able to go to Target with only myself to worry about.
I see you. I know what it is to look back at those mistakes and think, I failed people, and most of all, myself. Why do I think I could ever be better than that? I listed all the reasons for my misguided behavior, or for the times I could’ve done so much better, and I let those be my banners. I chose those truths and gave them more merit than they deserved.
I see you. I know the excitement that resides in knowing that God has spoken great things over your life, and experiencing the frustration in never seeing the fruit. It gets tiring, believing something about myself that has never seemed to shown itself true except for in the reassurance of His Spirit in my soul. What are you waiting for, God? Why am I sidelined? Why are giving me the menial tasks? Give me the big ones! You made me for those!
We’re part of the big picture, the one where we get to praise God for the rest of our days. I see you in these pits and valleys, the moments where life is not as forgiving to our fragility. And I need you to get on His shoulders.
For the rest of your days, you’ll be whatever you think you’re confined to, if you believe it. You’ll be the mom who never has time, the woman who works harder than her husband, the one who never gets to join everybody else as we take center stage. You’ll be her, just say the word. I see you. I fight it, too. It feels easier to be here, where excuses are plentiful and legitimate, where it feels comfortable to feel frustrated.
You can stay there. Or you can climb on His shoulders and get higher. What you might have forgotten is that He can raise you up. You might never get higher than what your eyes can see, and if you’re like me, that isn’t much at 5′ 4″. But He can take you higher. I think the freest place is right when He has His arms wrapped around me like a daddy with his little girl, lifting her up on his shoulders.
Think of her: arms outstretched as if she’s flying. She can see higher than anyone else.
We aren’t the badges we put on our arms and wear like armor.
We get to be girls for the King.
We get to run forward, away from those mistakes, fears, frustrations, ruts.
We can get out of it and fly free because we’re on His shoulders.
You can’t lift yourself. You surely don’t have to.
I see you.
Meet me in the place you never thought you dreamed, the places you weren’t tall enough to reach, and the places you could only reach from the shoulders of Someone stronger. I’ll be looking for you, sister. We’re freest where we’re flying.
One thought on “To My Girls”
This is beautifully written Janelle. It also shares a beautiful piece of your soul. Thankfully, that voice with which the Holy Spirit speaks is the most reassuring voice in our lives. Time with Him is essential, I know. I have surely BEEN where you are now, and I am also surely STILL where you are now. Knowing a call has been placed on your life, and yet, not seeing the outcome (or even a clear path at times) is frustrating, and can cause much self-doubt–but then you hear that reassuring, heavy, yet peaceful voice that says, “carry on, I am with you.”
I see you.