I used to have an internal dialogue that would make my head ache and my heart hurt. I would look at my life and say to myself, Well, this is good enough. Not ideal. I’m just a mom. But I’ll be better for Jesus when I have the time, when I can be the version of me I had hoped for in years past, when I actually have quiet time with God.
I would arrive at God’s feet often broken. I felt that way. I felt like a mom who just couldn’t get priorities right or a woman who just could not find herself. I was trudging my way to the Lord for my own benefit. I wanted to feel better. I wasn’t fully interested in getting on my knees because I was in front of a holy King.
As a teenager, I would spend hours in my bedroom journaling, praying, and reading the Bible. I was too wise for my age, and I knew I wanted Jesus like water, so I took that literally. I chose Him like I chose to drink water. I thought of myself as holy because I was doing all the things that looked holy.
Motherhood changed my faith. I couldn’t devote hours to Jesus because I was devoting hours to my people. I didn’t even know if I would be able to return to the Cross like I did when I was 18. I felt useless for the Kingdom, even though I was proudly proclaiming my Kingdom work in my children. I was actually clawing for any grasps of the holiness I thought I needed to be part of His work.
If you’re a mom of little kids: solidarity, sister. Our children are the greatest gifts, but our life is forever changed because of their existence. Changed for the better; it just takes time to find out what that means exactly. It took me a while. I thought the holiness of motherhood was found in all that I was capable of doing, and in turn, the development of my children. It took me years to redeem the holiness of motherhood from the twisted idea I had.
The holiness of motherhood is that I am a messed up woman who is need of a Savior, and I get to take care of the most forgiving children on this planet. The sanctification in motherhood is that my children don’t need me to be anything but their mother. They just need me to show up.
When I started to wake up every day and throw off the “should’s” in my life, I became a better mom. When I started waking up and putting on the simplicity of the gospel, I became a better woman.
I arrive in prayer and want to get to my knees because I realize that my Father has sought me out. He has chosen me. He just wants me to show up. To stick my nose in the Bible for however long, to talk to Him about my day, and He wants me just to be His girl. Because that’s what I am. I am not a lousy mom. I am not a lost woman, seeking to find who she is. The only requirement for the foundation of my faith and my womanhood is this: I belong to Christ, and I believe it.
And who can touch the King’s daughter? No one. She is holy and blameless in His sight, because He gave up everything to have her.
JANELLE DELAGRANGE 