A couple of weeks ago, I told a friend that I don’t normally make goals, mostly because I’m afraid of not achieving them. And I have a tendency to lose sight of the goal itself, becoming far too intertwined with the circumstances of life. But this year I’ve changed that, hoping that I can maintain focus. It may be the extreme nesting instinct brought on by pregnancy, but I’m feeling super motivated, so I’m rolling with it! (Because I probably won’t feel quite as motivated come April.)
Last week I laid out my goals for y’all. To intentionally stay organized, to fearlessly maintain finances to the glory of God, and to blog about our journey. But I am terrified to fail. I am not graceful in failure. I ugly cry. I want to hide in small spaces and hope that my embarrassing defeats will just disappear into thin air. (They don’t.) The terror of being a failure is enough to cripple any motivation. And this is where Christ is good & faithful whereas I can be unpredictable (or, more accurately, completely predictable in my humanity).
Jesus knows me. He knows me like the palm of his hand. He knows my past sins, my present sins, and every transgression I will commit in the future. I am in need of the highest dose of grace, and I will admit that every day until I can look into his eyes surrounded by glory. The confession of sins, of admitting that I am broken and not perfect, that I struggle to live in truth, that the idea of me becoming blameless as I am washed in innocent blood sounds too good to be true…admitting it all frees me. I don’t want to fail my King. But I probably will in some ways. And time after time, after I make the same mistakes, after I cry out in my silly lies, Jesus remains the same. In my terror of being a complete failure, He is completely unafraid to love me again & again. How great is that? God is fearless. He fearlessly loves me.
It’s January 14. There are 351 days left of 2015, and I am not promised any of them. At the moment, however, I am promised that God will fearlessly love me. I have these goals, and I may not achieve them this year. Christ is good & faithful still, and He is completely for me. My terror at being a failure? Not welcome here. He claims righteousness over me. That love is better than life.
Get rid of the dirt, the grime, the ugly yuck that will threaten your focus. Confess it to Jesus. He isn’t going to run in the other direction, point at you & laugh, or cease His love. He is fearless, always fearlessly loving you. So drop the junk and grasp the freedom.
2 thoughts on “2015: Being Fearless in My Terror”
Hi, Janelle! I think you’d enjoy reading the book called “Growth Mindset”, by Carol Dweck. It’s been a topic of interest for a lot of educators and business people for the past year or so. Here’s an article from one of my favorite blogs, which highlights some of the big ideas of the book:
Thanks Josh! I’ll definitely look into it.