I remember a day not too long ago when I felt like the world was falling all around us. We were in the beginning days of my husband working for himself, and I was skating on thin ice when it came to emotion and faith. I doubted a lot, and I was fearful most times. We added to our credit card debt ever slowly because there wasn’t any money; we felt like caged animals, for there was no where to go when we couldn’t afford to go to any stores, let alone keep putting gas in the car. We stayed put, finding ways to keep busy in 1000 square feet.
We still don’t go out much. We have zillions of home projects that are half-finished as of today, because money is limited, and we only do what we can when we can. I find myself giving away more things, getting rid of stuff that hasn’t served us in any way within the past few months. It’s weird how being poor awakened the purging in me, but I don’t want a lot of stuff anymore. I realized we don’t need it.
I have hated this season more than anything most days. I don’t know how many times I’ve said to Evan, “I just hate being poor. I hate that it limits us.” It felt like a chain that restrained me from grabbing happiness thoroughly.
But it’s funny: I know that having little has actually been the most freeing time of my life.
We accepted a challenge from our pastor last summer to tithe regularly to our church. Those who don’t go to church may think that sounds like a scheme to steal from us, but frankly, we don’t give to feel good about ourselves or because someone said we should. We give because God is so good, and we know our money is ultimately His. We have been giving faithfully, and more than usual, for almost a year, and it has absolutely changed us. Some days, it frankly doesn’t make sense that we can give what we do. The Lord has blessed us tenfold.
In a world where having more, spending more, getting, taking, and receiving is the normal, it is not easy to be restricted by having the least. It’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t realize just how good our Father is, but I have begun to realize just how invaluable my money is when it’s wrapped up in my palms, dictating happiness, or leading me by the nose. I could have millions, but it would never make me any happier than the minuscule amount we have now.
If He ever blesses us immensely, I know it is solely because He trusts us with it. And He trusts us to use it all for His glory. Not just for my retirement. Or just my dream vacation. Or even my new wardrobe. It’s not for me. Whatever He gives me is His. For His glory. For His Kingdom.