9 PM, Marathons & Grins

I have chosen a tad bit of radio silence over the past week. Social media can be demanding sometimes, even silently, but I have been trying my best to shy away from it to protect our little bit of rest we’re longing for.

Last night I fell asleep around 9 PM, which is pretty weird for me. I don’t stay up late, but I’m not usually one to tuck in so early. But I slept hard, waking at 6:30 AM to my husband leaving for a job he’s taking for the time being to fill some voids in our budget. I fell asleep thinking about everything:  money, business stuff, graphic design stuff, dinner…

I’m new at this. I am new at being a mom/wife/business partner-ish thing I’m doing. And we don’t know what we’re doing half of the time. I spend part of my day praying, talking to Evan, and discussing my worries, fears, and hopes so that I don’t go crazy. Why? If I’m not pushing and pushing and pushing into the confidence of Christ, I am a crumbling, distraught mess of emotions. The decision to start a business is easy. The decision to “walk on water” is easy. The decision to depend on God is easy, easy, easy. It’s the whole living it out, turning nouns into verbs, and trusting because our life depends on it that makes this a crazy thing.

I am new at this. I have to spend part of my prayer time going over my fears and worries because they are prominent in my mind. They come up often. They are pushing hard against me as I’m trying to push back with truth. I fell asleep at 9 PM last night because these are exhausting, demanding, faith-filled days of acting on faith, literally, and trusting that God will fulfill His promises. Each day is an opportunity to act on our faith, knowing that though I worry about money, business decisions, mistakes, stuff, stuff, stuff, God will never (did you hear that? NEVER!) forsake us! I worry that we will make a detrimental mistake, and that in that moment of failure I will crumble to bits & pieces. I worry. I am new at this.

So, I hope you didn’t come here for advice on business ventures. I am new at this.

God, however, is running right beside us. I love the visual of us running down this winding road, wind blowing, feeling exhausted, tired, thirsty…And the Lord comes up beside us with the widest grin on His face. I want to run this race hard & well, but I know full well that I cannot depend on my own stamina, strength, or body to come through for me. I look ahead and know that this run we’re on is not a short little jog. It’s a stinkin’ marathon with a whole lot of hills that I’m sure my legs will give out. It fills me up to think of our God running with us, shouting, “Evan, it will be worth it! Janelle, you cannot give up! It is hard right now, but it will get easier the longer you run! This is the greatest journey! Do you believe Me? Do you believe Me?!”

I am new at this. I am running slow, but steady. And I believe, with a crazy grin on my face, that this marathon is worth every drop of sweat.