A Letter to the Boys

My boys. My sweet, silly boys. I can’t believe that you’ll both be big brothers within the next couple of weeks, that you’ll be required to grow up even more as our family changes. I feel bad about that some days, that at such a young age, I’ll already require so much of you. But know that I can’t do it without you. Your helpful hands and silly antics remind me of my deepest need:  I don’t have to be alone & the joy of your help is real & desired. Continue reading “A Letter to the Boys”

Tantrums and Triumphs

“I can’t do it, Mom.”
My oldest turned three a few days ago. He’s just recently started telling me, “I can’t do it.” He will give up easily when it comes to puzzles or putting his socks on his feet. He tells me, sometimes even cries, that he just can’t do it. He’s frustrated, and I can hear it in his voice.Continue reading “Tantrums and Triumphs”

When I Rise

I woke up this morning at 5:45, worried. I laid in bed feeling defeated already, when this day hadn’t even started. The past week and a half I have been trying and trying again. In public, things are awesome! In the privacy of my home where chaos and tantrums ensue, I am exhausted. But it’s more than that, really. Yesterday I spent my boys’ nap time laying between them on our bed so they would sleep (colds on all fronts around here prevent good sleep), and the lies pestering me felt astronomical. How are you supposed to be able to do this with three little boys? You lost your cool so many times in the past 48 hours that I’m pretty sure the boys are now scared of you. How are you going to lug around three kids when one of them can’t walk very well and the other will be strapped in a car seat? How can you afford this? Huh? How are you gonna do this, Janelle?Continue reading “When I Rise”

Backtracking, Metaphorical Walls & Eternity

The year 2015 has been good so far. I set goals, business was well, I had energy. And then I hit a wall, and I’m still trying to recuperate from that one.

I’m not really one for getting stressed out or letting it get to me. It takes a lot of chaos and uncertainty to silence my confidence, but today I’m feeling quiet. A little less confident. In need of sleep. But I’m trying still to soften the grips I have and opening my palms to an all-knowing God. There is confidence there with him, rest, a constant woo of “You are able because I am able.” So I hit the metaphorical wall, and getting back up takes a lot more effort these days.Continue reading “Backtracking, Metaphorical Walls & Eternity”

In the Cold

We’ve lived in our house for about three and a half years. It has served us well in that time. Except for our furnace. Our never reliable, older-than-snot furnace.

I’ve cried more than I would like to admit over this appliance. I know it well:  the sound it makes when it isn’t working right, the cocktail of anger and destruction I would like to set upon it. And wouldn’t you know, I can rely on it to fail us when 8-10″ of snow hits our city. Completely reliable in its unreliability.Continue reading “In the Cold”

Pep Talks

Before Evan & I got married, we took part in some pre-marital counseling with a pastor. It was an awesome experience (of what I can remember. These days, I hardly remember anything from the day before.), and I still think about the things we discussed back then. We took a personality assessment of sorts, and one of my favorite nuggets from it was my husband’s confidence rating. He literally was off the charts, confidence so high that the bar graph couldn’t hardly contain it. (I’m slightly exaggerating.) But, it was funny and true of the guy I married. He knows who he is, and he doesn’t have any shame. It’s a quality I admire so much in him, a confidence in his identity as a man, in his Creator, and in our marriage. When I’m unsure, I can rely on his assurance.

But, that was a little over four years ago. We were pretty naive back then, and a lot of life events throughout our marriage have changed us, mostly for the better. Evan is still certain of himself. I, however, have noticed that I struggle more than ever in knowing myself. In knowing my confidence. In knowing that the photos of me only four years ago really are of the same woman I am today. Well, actually, they aren’t. A lot of life has changed my soul.Continue reading “Pep Talks”